dumbbird2.jpgDear Bird,

Aww, c’mon… What the hell is your problem, anyway, little dude?  Like this is exactly what I need when I’m trying to leave for work – I reach for my car keys and I’m halfway out the door and what do I hear? The all-too-familiar tap-tap-tapping at the window of the wood burning stove.

We go through this exercise about three times a year… You or one of your buddies decides to spelunk my 40-foot tall, 10-inch wide stove pipe.  Why?  What’s the draw?  I used to think that maybe the light from the living room could be seen from up above but the flue is shut.  Well, obviously not shut too well since there you are hopping around like the very sooty doofus you are.  But, still, I don’t think it’s the light.

The pipe is capped pretty well, and there is no nest that I can see.  It really must take an effort to squeeze in there before realizing there is no inside ledge to grab onto, and then to drop all the way to the bottom.  Absolutely brilliant.  Well thought out, my friend.

Calm down, calm down, of course I am going to rescue you.  I am only trying to take your picture for my blog.  There, was that so bad?

I assume you know the drill. I am going to shut all the inside doors of the house, open one upstairs window, open the garage door, and try to gently grab you with a towel. Easy, easy, spazmo, I’m not trying to crush you.  You should be pretty tired from your ordeal.  One of your pals was so out of it he hopped right into my hand and let my carry him outside.  I hope you are like him.

Oh, great, you little [many expletives deleted]!!  Right in the face!  Very nice.  So your plan was to blind me with soot before slamming yourself into the skylights over and over again?  No, no, go ahead.  I’ll wait.  Good luck with that.  Twentieth time’s the charm, you know.  Just watch out for the ceiling fans.

Ok, you made it to the bookcase.  If you just look a little to your right you will see an open window in the loft.  Nice and inviting.  But feel free to slam yourself fifty times into the closed one literally less than two feet from freedom, idiot! The right… THE RIGHT!! 

There you go.  Please spread the word that the chimney is not a toy… or a tree.  Well, time to wash up and change and tell the boss I’m gonna be a little late.  Thanks a lot.

Sincerely,

The Owner of That One House