My wife and I are turning the downstairs “miscellaneous stuff” room into a livable guest bedroom so I sold most of my workout equipment and used the money to buy a membership to a local gym.  I like the place just fine but there has been something that has on my mind lately and I can’t not talk about it anymore.

It’s the O.F.N.O.G.’s – Oblivious Fat Naked Old Guys.  It seems like every damn time I walk into the locker room (regardless of how crowded the parking lot is or what time I walk in there) I am confronted with the splendor that is the OFNOG.

These 45 to 65 year old gents think it is perfectly OK to parade around the changing room completely naked.  No towel.  No nothing.  They will cheerfully stand there arms akimbo (amongst other majestic and horrifying poses) and chat with each other about fat-naked-guy stuff for a long time.  Enough time, in fact, for me to walk in, get creeped out, change into my workout stuff, fill my water bottle, weigh myself, go to the bathroom, get creeped out again, and leave.

Not that the standard issue 40” long towel is going to do these trenchermen much good. Perhaps one that is pi times 40” (math nerds will get this) long would work out better.  Or some sort of car cover, maybe. 

One guy was actually shaving (his face) while completely nude at the sinks, effectively turning the bank of four sinks into a bank of zero sinks…  for me anyway.  I don’t even do that at home, FCOL.

They are clearly so comfortable with their bodies that this is not an issue.  But not so comfortable with their bodies that they decide they don’t need to go to the gym.  Not that I have actually seen them in the actual gym itself actually working out.  Just standin’ and jawin’ in the ol’ locker room…. Creepy.

Look, I enjoy gazing upon the naked male form exactly as much as the average heterosexual male (a mixture of resigned acceptance and mild revulsion).  Heck, I even have a photo of me standing in the same room as the real Statue of David. 

I also understand that people need to be in some state of undress going to and from the showers or changing out of trunks or whatever.  But this is not something that you should be easily distracted doing.  If someone says “Hey, Bob, nice game today” after the racquetball match and while you are nude, a one sentence response should suffice… then rehash the game over a couple three beers at the pub.  Rehashing the game then and there complete with instant-replay-motions while completely nude is just plain odd.

But it’s all a matter of context, isn’t it?  Naked marble David in a museum in Florence, Italy – OK.     Naked real David in a grocery store in Akron, Ohio – not OK.  Marble OFNOG – colossal waste of time and marble. 

Real OFNOG – have these images hypnotically erased by a professional or drink them away as quickly as possible.  It will be worth every penny, I assure you.